A New Chapter

I know it's been a while. I know. I keep looking at my last post and wondering how to tell you just how much everything has changed since her birthday. I want to tell you. I do. But, sometimes for some things silence is best. It's best not to over share or violate what little privacy we still have in this world of blogging, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. And the truth is: words hurt. They leave nasty marks and scars that can never be forgotten. So, for now I am choosing to be silent about all the details.

For those of you who do know and have supported me. Thank you. You have become an irreplaceable part of Emma and I's life, and I would not have made it as far as I have without you. For those of you who know (or think you know) and have done nothing but gossip and spread rumors about me, I hear the things you say and trust me, I have LOTS of things I want to say back. But, I have no intentions of stooping to your level. Just remember when you're talking about me to be perfect for the rest of your life, because if I've learned anything at all through this situation it's that people are always watching. Always. And it won't matter what the truth is, because somehow the truth always gets twisted into something even uglier than what it was in the beginning. People are brutal, and all you can do is hold onto the truth-even if you're the only one who believes it. And no, that's not as easy as it sounds. You have to grow thicker skin, walk with your head a little higher, and realize that there will be days when you feel like you're the only person telling yourself that you're gonna be okay. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done-the most brutal chapter of my entire life. But, I know that I am taking the steps I need to be the best me I can be, and I know in my heart that this specific chapter of my life will help me to become the mother that Emma not only needs, but she deserves. 

With that said, for those of you who don't know, but honestly want to know. I appreciate you respecting Emma and I's privacy, and giving me time to come up with the words I need to say-I want to say-on my own. This situation isn't a "one-blog-post" kinda thing. It's going to take time for me to craft the words exactly how I want to say them without saying too much, or sharing too little. And who knows, I may never come up with those words. I'm sure over time you'll pick up on what's going on, but I can't promise you that you will know why. Sometimes I think even I will never know why. But, please know that I appreciate each and every one of my readers. I love that you let me share a corner of my heart with you, and I love having something that I can hopefully go back and show Emma. So, for now, please know that I covet your good thoughts and prayers. Knowing there are people out there who love me and support me unconditionally is the only thing that gets me out of bed some days.

Okay, so now that we've gotten the elephant in the room out of the way...kind of...I just wanted to do a quick update on what Emma and I have been doing lately and share a few pictures.

Emma successfully graduated from her K3 program in May. She learned SO much in Ms. Becki's class and I am so thankful to have the education she received at school to supplement what she was learning at home. Emma actually won the "Christian Character Award" for her K3 & K4 class. We were so proud of her and she was beaming when she walked up on that stage to accept her award. It's moments like those, especially with the changes that have occurred in our family over the last few months, that helped me take a step back and realize that I am a good mom. I'm certainly not perfect and I make mistakes, but despite everything, I am not permanently scarring my child. She is well behaved for others and compassionate, and just a good kid...a really good kid and I'm proud to call her mine.

We are now full swing into summer around here! My summer job started Memorial Day weekend, and I am officially juggling three jobs and trying to stay afloat. I qualified for a low-income apartment, and Emma and I moved in Memorial Day weekend...YIKES!  It took about a week and WAY too many trips to Wal-Mart to count, but we got moved in! Our "girl house", as Emma calls it, is coming together slowly, but surely. I covet every single night I get to spend with her at the apartment, and even though we've only been there about three weeks, it's starting to feel more and more like home. In addition to getting settled on our own, I am actively trying to find a better full time job. I would like to only have one job, so we can have some consistency and I won't worry so much about providing for us. It's been a struggle, and I may have to get a fourth job before it's all over, but I know we're going to be okay...eventually.

We do a lot of swimming on my days off, and I'm lucky enough to live a few apartments down from my sister, so I get to keep my nephew one day a week. Even though both of them together can be trying at times, I love being able to get the kids together, especially since my sister and I don't usually have the kids on the same day. Emma loves her cousin Noah, and I am so thankful for their fast friendship. I am also thankful for my cousin, Mya. She's only 8, but she has been the biggest help! She always plays so well with Emma, and I joke and tell my mom I should just pay Mya to babysit! :) Emma and Mya have a very special bond and I am thankful that she is the sister Emma has never had.

Needless to say, we stay busy. We have too. I'd be a mess if we just laid around anyway. However, nothing beats those times when it's just here and I at home. I love curling up with her to watch a movie or read a book. I love those moments when I get to remind her that she is the reason for every breath I take. I am so blessed that God gave her to me, and I want her to always know how special and loved she is. She is my sunshine-my heart. And at the end of the day, no matter what, she is all that matters to me. As long as I'm doing the best I can for her, and being the best I can for her, then I'm doing my job. Period. Everything else doesn't matter.

Dear Emma...

This letter (a.k.a "post") has been forming over the last few days. I have been thinking alot about what I'd want to say to you, and to be honest the words just haven't been able to come. I could barely manage the words for a Facebook status about your birthday on Monday. In fact, I'd post a status, delete it, and then type it again. I did that several times before one finally stuck, even though I still wasn't happy with it. I think my lack for words on Monday was because this letter was ever present in the front of my mind. I knew everything I wanted to say needed to be done here-in our own little corner of the world where I document our life: struggles and all for the world to see. Because you are the number one reason why I write. You are the foundation beneath my soapbox, my inspiration that helps me find the words, and every lesson I have ever learned and will learn about motherhood. You are my everything. So, this letter is for you. Happy birthday, baby girl.

On Monday, you celebrated your 4th birthday. FOUR. Four years old. It still hasn't sunk in to me. As I watched you talk to your Papa at the dinner table last night, I found myself thinking: "When did you get SO old?" Your vocabulary. Your actions. Your witty comebacks. Your silly sense of humor. I mean, wasn't it just yesterday I was wandering around the house by myself with a newborn you in my arms wondering what I was supposed to do next? I am amazed everyday by how smart you are! You can recognize your name and even write it when you put your mind to it. You LOVE school after you finally let go of my leg in the morning. You are becoming more and more

independent, and you've even started to want to do things by yourself like actually feed yourself, use a grown up fork, take your clothes off and put them in the hamper before bath time. Your independence excites me, but at the same time it makes me sad. Every time I hold you, I know it won't be that much longer until you've outgrown my lap, and that makes my heart ache. You love to play dress up, none of your stuffed animals ever feel unloved because you give them each plenty of attention, and you are very artistic. You love to color and paint, and you go through sheets and sheets of stickers. Every piece of your artwork is a masterpiece according to you, and I'm on the hunt for a box big enough to hold all of it. You are 100% girl, but you love to go to work with Daddy, or help him work on his bike. You aren't afraid to crawl under a truck with him and get dirty. I know he treasures those times with you, and I hope you don't outgrow helping him too fast. Diesel our puppy is your best friend. I think the two of you will always take care of each other. Your world revolves around your cousin, Noah who is and always will be your favorite playmate and protector. Mya is the sister I've failed to give you. I think you will always look up to her, and that the two of you will always have a special bond. I think you are learning, even at an early age, that your family will be some of the best friends you can ever ask for, because they will always love you and accept you just the way you are. Yes, this past year I saw you transform from toddler to little girl, and I'm excited to see where the next year takes us.

With that said, most of the memories from my own childhood start at four. While you already have an amazing memory and eye for detail, I like to think this is the year when you will actually start to have memories of your childhood. This year, I hope you'll remember fishing with Papa with your very first fishing pole that you got for your 4th birthday, going to the car shows with your Daddy that your Papa Jack loved so much, and the endless summer days we will spend at Grandma's swimming pool or down at the gas dock. I hope you remember the sleepovers with Mya and your favorite babysitter, Jordan, and sitting on the couch watching Noah play his iPod or coercing him to share his cars.

I also hope you remember these last few days of school, because after this year, you will probably never get to play with Noah at school again. Next fall, he's moving on to 1st grade at the great big public school, and you're headed for K4 at another smaller, private school. The kids will never again holler for Noah in the morning to let him know you've arrived, and the two of you will no longer take on recess all by yourselves. Times are changing, and I hope you always remember your first year of school with Noah by your side.

 I hope you remember curling up with Grandma Kelly as she read you books, and lunch dates with Grandma Joyce and Ron at Panera Bread. I hope you remember sleeping over at Grammie and Papa's, and helping Papa feed the cows. I hope you remember Sunday lunch at Grandma Amy's, and the way Papa Dana tickles you. I hope you remember all of this and more. Because the memories you make this year will be the foundation of many memories to come, and we can't wait to help you make them.

Emma, you are truly one blessed little girl. You are surrounded by people who love you, and who are here to help you learn and grow-people who are amazingly strong in their faith, and I hope you pick up on their love for God, and in turn, you are made aware of His deep love for you. You are a blessing to this family. You are my sunshine. My anchor. The only reason I choose to get out of bed some mornings. I feel so grateful for every day I get to hear you call me, "Mom", and even on the days when I feel like all I'm doing is failing, I look at you and know I'm doing something right. Because you are so smart, and so sweet, and so silly. And it warms my heart to know that you are happy, healthy, and loving every minute of being a kid. I know in my heart that you may be the only good I ever put out into this world, and I'm okay with that. Because you will always be the best of me, and I hope and pray you stay that way.

I am looking forward to four and I hope you are too. I'm not sure what the next year has in store for us, but I promise you, we will do it together. God gave me you for this roller coaster called life and I will forever be grateful to Him for entrusting you to us.

Happy birthday, sugar. I love you with my whole heart.

Sick Day

Yesterday was my first official sick day since I started full-time at my job. I woke up early Tuesday morning with the stomach flu...again. Yep. Again. Two weeks ago, I contracted some kind of gnarly stomach virus that lasted for about 5 days, and landed me in the ER at one point because I got so dehydrated. It was awful. The worst stomach virus I have ever experienced in my life...hands down. So, I couldn't believe it when I woke up yesterday with the same symptoms!

I HATED that I had to call in! I even attempted to get up and take a shower, but about half through my shower, I knew I was doomed and that there was no way my body was going to let me get more than a few feet away from a toilet. So, I succumbed. I sent my boss a text message, woke my husband to get ready for work, made arrangements for Emma to get as far away from as possible for the day (thank you, Aunt Gaila!), and then I forced myself to lay back down. I was going to be sick whether I liked it or not. Grr.

I'm pretty sure the small child within me was kicking and screaming at that point, because I loathe being sick. I LOATHE it. Ain't nobody got time for that, girl. Seriously. Forcing myself to lay around and actually take care of MYSELF is like pulling teeth. That's probably why I ended up dehydrated last time. I can single-handedly care, feed, and clothe a small village, but expect me to remember to force liquids down my throat and remember Tylenol doses for my own fever...nu-uh. It doesn't come naturally. But, yesterday I did PRETTY well. I only ran the vacuum and did the dishes one time. I drank as much tea and Gatorade as I could force myself to drink and I rested...ACTUALLY rested...for most of the day. I watched an episode of "What Not To Wear" and "Four Weddings", and I spent a good chunk of my day mindlessly making my phone pretty after I saw a great tutorial on Pinterest.

Yep. For the most part, I was lazy all day. It was nice, but it was boring. I would of rather had a lazy day without the sickness, but sadly, sickness is the only time we moms get a "Get Out Of Mom Stuff Free" card, isn't it? For instance, when I'm sick my family doesn't mind leftovers so much, my husband "attempts" to do things like a craft project with our daughter, and Emma plays surprisingly well by herself. No one badgers me about laundry or why our fridge is a little bare. My husband actually brings me stuff to drink and makes my plate if I feel like I can eat something, and he doesn't wonder why I'm still in my pajamas and make up free. Yep. It is KIND OF nice, but I'm glad to be feeling better today. After 24 hours, I'm more than ready to be back to my normal mom routine, and my family is too.

I can't leave you without a picture of the beautiful flowers Emma picked for me yesterday while she was at her Aunt Gaila's house. They are gorgeous and just what I needed to start feeling better.

Yep. I'm a pretty lucky mommy :)

I hope everyone is having a gorgeous Wednesday. I'm off to compete in another karaoke competition tonight. I'm excited to be able to take Emma with me to this one. She loves to come and cheer for me, and I love being able to look out and see her sweet face. Wish me luck!

Easter Sunday

Hello! I hope everyone had a fantastic Easter Sunday! We were so glad that the weather held out and we enjoyed a beautiful, sunny 65 degree day yesterday, even though it was pretty muddy after a week of rain and snow. We started our morning by attending an early church service with my dad and two of my sisters. My in laws and my grandmother go to the same church, so it was nice to see everyone. After church, my dad took us all out to breakfast. It was nice to spend Easter morning with him.

Emma and Noah at Easter breakfast

Easter breakfast with my Dad

(lt to rt: Faith, Randi, Noah, Dad, Emma, and I)

After breakfast, we went to my Grandma's for the big Easter egg hunt we have every year and lunch. We are such a big family that the Easter hunts alone take about two hours, so we weren't able to stay and eat, because we had to hurry to Randy's aunt's house for his family's Easter. But, we were able to grab a few photos while we were at my Grandma's.

 Emma, Randy, and I

Easter Sunday 2013

Emma in her Easter dress

Emma hunting Easter eggs!

She got WAY too much candy!

We didn't let the muddy yard ruin our fun! I brought Emma a change of clothes and some boots and away she went filling up her basket with eggs and other goodies! As you can see, she got plenty and we still had to go to Randy's aunt's house! Geez! I didn't get any pictures at Randy's aunt's house. I left him in charge of taking those pictures, but I promise she had just as much fun! :) Plus, everyone knows you can only look at SO many pictures of kids hunting Easter eggs before it becomes mundane, so you're welcome from sparing you from all our Easter festivities ;)

Emma said she had a great day and she managed to sneak more than a few pieces of her candy throughout the day. I was glad to finally get it home and up high where we can regulate it a little, and where I can sneak a piece every now and then ;) It's holidays like Easter Sunday that make me so thankful that we live so close to both our families. Emma is so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love her, and she gets spoiled by their love every single day. Even though family can drive me crazy, I wouldn't want it any other way for Emma. I know that because of them and their love and support, we are giving Emma the best childhood we can give her. What a blessing.

I hope everyone else had a wonderful Easter celebrating our Risen Lord, and indulging in chocolate! I know I did! I am looking forward to the week ahead. Emma has Spring Break from school all this week, so she will be spending her days with some of her favorite people. Today she is helping Daddy drive the dump truck...one of her favorite things to do. I can't wait to hear all about it. Does anyone else's kids have Spring Break this week? Do you have to make arrangements during Spring Break for sitters? How does that work for you? I'd love to hear all about it ;)

Happy Monday a.k.a April Fool's Day, everyone! ;)

A Date Night: Coloring Easter Eggs

Now that I'm working "full time" AND competing in Lake Idol on Thursday nights AND trying to juggle everything else that comes with marriage and motherhood (a.k.a bills, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and laundry), I have found that the rare times I have alone with Emma are very few and very precious. Emma loves to have "girl days" as she calls them. Those days when it's just she and I, and no Daddy. We don't always do something special, but she loves for us to spend time together, even if I'm just cleaning the house or running to the grocery store. She's definitely a mommy's girl :)

Well, thanks to a hectic week, I hadn't really gotten to spend alot of time with her besides feeding her dinner, giving her a bath, and putting her to bed. So, last night, we sent Daddy over to Uncle Geoff's house and we decided to color our Easter eggs.

So all decked out in her Sleeping Beauty costume, my little princess colored twelve of the most beautiful eggs. She was a little impatient waiting for the colors to dissolve, but within no time she was coloring her eggs and impatiently waiting for them to dry so she could put the sticker faces on them.

Her finished product looked great, and I am continually amazed at how big she's getting! It's hard to believe that in a few short weeks, she's going to be four years old! Geez! Where does the time go?! Anyway, the eggs are now nestled in our refrigerator waiting for the Easter Bunny to come and hide them. I think the Easter Bunny also picked up a few things for her Easter basket yesterday which I'm pretty excited about...even though it is ridiculously clost to her birthday to be buying anything BUT birthday presents. Too bad I'm a sucker ;)

All in all, it was a wonderful Emma and mommy date night. After we washed our hands (which are still stained), we enjoyed ice cream cones while we talked about her day at school, and the crazy games she plays at recess with her best friend, my nephew Noah. I so love when she comes out of her shell and actually tells me about her day. It warms my heart, because I know those times when it's just she and I are special to her, and for a moment, I actually feel like I'm doing a good job and being the best mother I can be.

I'm excited for Easter this weekend! I hope the rain stays away! I'm on the hunt for a new Easter-ish outfit today, because I've worn the same thing the last three years. I feel like I'm due. So, after work before Lake Idol tonight, I will be hitting the mall and enjoying every minute of my night. Go me! Stay tuned tomorrow for pictures or maybe a video of my performance tonight! I actually got a good slot this week, so maybe tomorrow I won't be so dead to the world ;)

Happy Thursday, everyone!

A Fresh Start

Well, I do believe I am officially back from my hiatus. The last few months have been a time of deep soul searching and healing for me, and for the first time in a long time, I actually feel okay. I am starting to feel more hopeful and optimistic about the future, and I have a deep desire to "get back to normal". Routine, working, my daughter's smile, and my husband's keen ability to put up with BS and massive mood swings have truly helped me on my journey back to this place of "normalcy". I'd be lying if I said it was easy, because everyone knows the journey of grief is anything BUT easy. However, once I got past the first month the journey has been bearable. I still falter from time to time, but I'm definitely back among the living...where I'm supposed to be.

As of Monday, I went back to work full-time...well, at least for the next 6 weeks while my co-worker is on maternity leave. I haven't worked "full time" since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter...over four years ago! Wow. Talk about an adjustment! We have been pre-gaming since January to prepare Emma for the change. Before Monday, I was working 3 or 4 days a week, while Emma was shuffled between school and a host of sitters. Now, that I'm on "full time", we are going to try to do school full-time for 6 weeks. I'm not sure if she's quite ready. Today she actually asked me if she could just stay home...with Diesel...our puppy...all by herself. Yep. Maybe she wasn't ready, but here we go! Ready or not!

To be honest, my husband has really stepped up to the plate. He picks her up from the school/random babysitter most days and keeps her entertained until I come crawling in the door around 5:30 or 6:00. He has patiently embraced the change in my shopping/errands/laundry routine, and I've even been lucky enough to come home to dinner on the table more than once...a week! <insert standing ovation and raucous applause here> It's amazing! For the first time in four years, I truly feel like we are actually co-parenting and while the change is hard, I think it has been good for both of us (at least, I hope he feels that way).

As a result of my new "full time" status, I once again find myself having a whole new respect for working, single moms (Hi, Randi!). I honestly don't know how you girls do it! I seriously feel like a wimp most days. My sister, Randi, is over there doing it all by herself like she's got 15 arms, and I'm over here like, "What? You mean it's my turn to make dinner?!" Yeah. It's pathetic. So, kudos to my sister and all the other amazing single moms out there like her. You girls all deserve mother of the year, every year. I'm totally cool with just feeling accomplished because I got my ONE child out of bed and dress this morning. Because you know, it's the little things...I mean, I could of sent her to school in her pajamas ;)

Besides working, I recently started my third season of Lake Idol, a local karoake competiton. Like, I need one more thing to keep me busy! Geez! I actually considered dropping out earlier this week, but I truly love being on that stage and singing my little heart out. It's a release for me and helps to keep me sane. So, I think I'll try to stick with it for a few more weeks. Plus, its a good excuse to get the girls together once a week ;) I'm gearing up for Oldies week this week, so I'll be sure to keep you posted. Who knows, maybe I'll actually get a video this week to share with you.

Well, that's what's new in our corner of the world. I am excited to read and catch up on some of favorite blogs and hopefully share some updated pictures of Emma with you. Thank you so much for still being here when I finally decided I was ready to come back and for your patience. God knows I need blogging more than it needs me.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Finding My Way Back

Grief is the monster hiding in my closet. Over the last month and half,  it's been here a lot-waiting, lurking, preparing to overtake me anywhere at anytime. I used to break down at odd times in odd places: the middle of Wal-Mart, driving home from work, folding a load of towels. It used to come quickly and drag me under before I even saw it coming. Grief is a dark place-a hole I was constantly trying to crawl out of, but always managed to fall right back in. It has been a struggle, but I'm slowly defeating this monster a little more everyday.

Grief is also a journey. A long, hard journey. One I despise traveling, but one I know I must travel to get back to the place where I'm okay. I'm never going to be fine. I'm never going to be right, because honestly there is nothing "right" about a 23 year old girl losing her life. But maybe...just maybe...someday I'll be okay. Because, eventually the pain and shock will settle into the crevices of my being making me ache to the bone as it becomes apart of me, but I will take it in stride. I will find a way to live with the pain, and I won't cry as much, and I know in that moment I will truly be okay. I look forward to that day.

I'm actually doing much better. I still have my moments. I still miss her deeply. I am tormented by the memories of that day, and the ways I could of been a better friend, and I'm starting to think I'll never have peace from those thoughts, but that they will eventually just consume my mind less and less-or at least I hope they do. I find comfort in knowing she loved me. And some days that is the only light I see from the depth of this dark place. I cling to her-our memories and our friendship like a rope that someone has tossed down to me to help me crawl out. I know eventually I won't keep falling back in. Eventually, I will merely circle the hole before I am able to walk away from it completely. However, I also know that this kind of grief never goes away. It stays with you forever. No matter how hard you try to forget, you never will. So, it's best to just get down to the business of accepting the newest resident of your soul and move forward. Always move forward.

So, I apologize for being MIA. I apologize for having nothing to write about but how sad I am. I wish I had a happier post for you. My heart and mind are slowly starting to work again. I am starting to find inspiration in the little things: Emma, my new job, my resolutions for 2013. And maybe someday soon I'll be able to write about those things. But, for now all I can give you is this and the hope that someday soon I'll be back-a little less broken, a little more stronger, and it will be like I never left.